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Filmmaker Jade Osiberu believes that many people eventually discover that the qualities they once considered their ideal "spec" are not necessarily what make a happy and lasting marriage. While physical attraction may influence who people are drawn to when they are younger, she says building a life with someone requires something much deeper.
According to Osiberu, she knows several people who did not marry the person who fit the image they once had in mind, yet they have some of the healthiest marriages she has seen. She says the idea of a "spec" is often shaped by culture, popular trends and the beauty standards people grow up around, rather than by the qualities that truly matter in a life partner.
She wrote:
"I know a number of people who didn’t marry their “spec” but are in the healthiest marriages I know. Their spec was typically whatever was culturally deemed to be at the apex of the attractiveness pyramid when they were growing up. For a lot of guys in my generation, it was the music video “v!xens” from the late 90s/early 2000s Hip & R&B music videos with ‘coke bottle figures’ and or light skinned eurocentric features. When it’s time to find a partner for the very serious endeavor of sharing a life with, that “spec” is simply inadequate as a measure of compatibility and that’s understandable."
Osiberu says there is nothing unusual about people growing beyond the preferences they had when they were younger. What she finds unnecessary, however, is when someone tells their husband or wife that they were never their "spec." In her view, saying that suggests the other person somehow fell short, instead of acknowledging that the original idea of a perfect partner simply wasn't a wise way to judge who would make a good spouse.
She continued :
"The f00"olishness though is communicating it as though their partner somehow didn’t measure up to their “spec” instead of simply admitting that the idea of their spec was st.up!d all along and a young boy’s lack of wisdom of what makes a good life partner."
She also believes that even when such comments are presented as honesty, they can leave lasting emotional wounds. According to her, the person making the statement may unconsciously see themselves as someone who settled, while the other partner is left carrying the feeling that they were never quite enough. She says that kind of thought can linger long after the conversation is over, no matter how many compliments follow.
In her words:
"Communicating publicly or even privately to your partner that they weren’t your spec to begin with may seem harmless, after-all you’re just being honest. But subconsciously, it’s an ego trip for you who “settled” and for your the partner, it’s a chip they will always carry on their shoulder that to you, they aren’t quite enough. They’re missing something you had always longed for, so much so that you still consider it to be your “spec”. It’s an unnecessary mind f^ck and a cru£l thing to say about somebody who is sharing a life with you. No matter how flowery you are with the compliments that come after. You’ve already kn0cked them down several pegs."
For Osiberu, choosing a life partner is very different from having a youthful idea of the perfect person. She believes that while physical preferences may change with time, qualities like compatibility, mutual respect, understanding and the ability to build a life together are what truly sustain a marriage.
In her view, there is little value in reminding a spouse that they were never the picture you once had in your mind, especially when that old picture no longer defines what really matters.
#JadeOsiberu
#Relationships
#Marriage
#LoveAndRelationships
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